WHEN 2 ELEPHANTS FIGHT…

 My darlings! its been a while!

Your girl’s been busy. Yeah i hate how that sounds too.

I cant believe i have not posted anything in September.

This beautiful saturday morning,id like to call your attention

to something thats been on my mind for a long long time. Id try to be as

impersonal as i can. The bone of contention is DIVORCE in all its ramifications.

Whether it be separation or fully signed dissolution of  matrimony.

Actually,id like to make it sequential, as id like to examine this topic from the

view point of all the parties involved. Tonight, lets start with the kids .

I titled this post from an African adage… the full proverb states that

“when two elephants fight,its the grass that suffers…” In simple English,relatively,

when a couple divorce,its the children that bear the brunt the most.

A lot of the times, the heart break of the couple is evident,especially that

of the woman, mainly because of our overly dramatic and expressive nature..

But the world isnt conscious of the struggles of  children from broken homes.

 The impact of divorce on children is huge.They feel emotional conflict; and the age of the CHILD is not

a limiting factor. Lets bear in mind that a child in this case is any individual from 0-18 years,but id like us to extend it to 21. Though even older kids could be affected,even if not as severely. In most cases, the much younger children who are a little confused as to what brought about the separation of their mummy and daddy feel it is their fault dad/mum left. They feel if they had eaten their lunch,or not thrown tantrums the other day, daddy wouldnot have gotten so upset,and mummy wouldnt have cried.

Moving on to the school age children,they are old enough to reason that they feel pain from their parents’ break up, but helpless in trying to deal with the pain.. They tend to experience grief, emotional instability, divided loyalty between their parents and usually anger.  They usually hope their parents will resolve things and get back together and all will be perfect again. Almost all the time,they resent the parent who left.

Adolescents feel embarrassment, anger, resentment ,depression. A lot of the times, they are catapulted into adulthood. They usually feel pressure to side with one parent more. Especially when their preferred parent has a loud mouth that always condemns and accuses the other.hmmmm. wrong right?  Sometimes ,later in life,they live with the trauma of “what if history repeats itself in my life”. In severe cases, they have the wrong mentality that dysfunctional relationships are genetic. Funny but true.

 

Though some children can be resilient, divorce generally takes away from a child emotionally and psychologically. Unless the marriage was full of violence and discord and disrespect,   most children dont want to see their parents part- ever. Most deal with it negatively. They become rebelious and rule breakers. They tend to withdraw  and resort to anger t0 express themselves. Even later in life,it re-shapens their perception of relationships. They are often on the look out to correct what their parents failed in. And sometimes,if their partner cannot really relate to what they are going through in some way,or dont understand them at all,it causes gaps.

You see, a lot of who we become stems from what we have been through.As parents, we have to be careful who we commit to and eventually marry and especially have children with. Every decision we take in life has ripple effects. A lot of people are connected to the decisions we take (which would have been taken independent of them,anyway). Now im not throwing guilt bumps at people who are divorced. Absolutely not. Shit happens. Things get out of control and even though the good book forbids it,separation becomes our best option.

i have never been married,but i know that a lot of marriages that crashed could have been worked on. Just a little more patience will have made a whole difference(except in cases of violence,of course). It is especially selfish when you eventually begin to try to win the child’s loyalty. You openly hate on the other parent and put the child in a difficult spot. They love you both,but expressing it openly would usually put them in trouble. Seriously,parent?! Was that child there when you started off with your love interest? Why do you suddenly make the child a jury? You burden them when you tell them just how offended and hurt you are by the person and how you were a better person in the relationship. As a matter of fact,thats none of the child’s business. You are only worsening their burden. Lets think seriously before getting married. I always say marriage is not a trophy. Flashing that ring doesnt guarantee its eternity. Stop, ponder,consider, reflect, weigh the options and be sure you are in it for the long haul – for the children’s sake. Its not just about you. Subsequently, we shall discuss how to help the grass deal with the elephants’ foot stamps.Until then, enjoy the rest of September, and decide wisely. Congrats to those who are about to tie the knot. You wouldnt have cause to part ways IJN. Good morning!

Lush loves you…

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LUSH’S DATING MANUAL.

 

When you apologise all the time even when you’re right,just to keep the love going,you’re working too hard.he isn’t worth it. You’re just feeding his ego.walk away.
Beware when you tell him “either me or her!choose!”Because the “her” wants him as much as u do.its the “curse of man to cheat.A good percentage of them do.if he aint cheating,he’s thinking of doing so.not that its ok to cheat.but because you’re respected,he would deny her.savour the ridicule of him denying her.
Learn to read the signs.You would know he’s cheating on his gf with you. When u have restricted hours to call him.When he acts up when you call him at the inappropriate time(and give you an excuse later).He wouldnt treat you like a lady half of the time.He won’t introduce you to his friends,and he will stutter if he comes across his gf’s friend.girl,move on without asking him!he’s a yam.eat him up!
Yeah we girls are prone to think of marriage earlier than guys.don’t bring up the topic often.most,I mean most guys are scared of commitment.You may scare him away.At the end of the day,you can’t force a guy to do what he doesn’t.Savour being a gf because being a wife is realy not easy.
If he’s married,don’t even go there.its obvious you’d get hurt.
If you eventually break his home,and become 2nd wife,then remember that the side chick position is now vacant.Its guaranteed your marriage will wreck and he’d get wife number 3!lick that.
Money!money!any guy who taps dough from his girl is a potential gigolo.the average african man takes pride in providing for his chick!come on!they like it when we brag to our friends “my boo got that from this or that country.stop providing for him.allow him be the man in the relationship.Dont get me twisted.some times your help is needed.but its wrong when you make yourself the “bread winner.”He is a man.he will survive without u.


Stop nagging.why do you monitor him?come on!the 21st century boyfriend wants you to trust him enough when he is away.Here’s a tip:when next you both are out together and a sexy mama passes by,say honey did you see that?he’d pretend he aint interested.but we all know he’s embarrassed to have been caught starring.who likes an insecure partner?that’s so sick!
Dont get intimidated when he gets the spotlight.At the end of the day,he finds joy in running back into your arms when the cameras have gone to bed.Like Drake rightly put it, “whats a star when his most important fan is missing?!”
Quit comparing him to your ex.He is special in his own way and wants to be acknowledged.Men may be physically strong,but who wants to carry your xtra luggage?if you’re not ready to drop your ex and move on,you’re definitely not ready to be in his life.
Do you know that men never grow up?Their bodies do,no doubt but not their psychology.The difference between a 15yr old and a 32yr old is responsibility(like a new job,new wife and baby food,Kid’s fees,bills bills bills!…)So don’t be so grouchy when he plays psp.He still wants to be pampered.He still likes the sweet names.
If you get the chance to go to school,DO NOT trade your degrees for marriage.Miss independent is the “in” thing.believe me.You get more respect when you have something to show for your years in school.Before you misquote me,i didnot say dont get married. But no reasonable man will ask you to stop school in order to be his wife! Thats already a bad omen!
Do you really have to sleep with a man for money?how much he want give you sef?Forget those old men!fresh blood will prolong your life! 🙂
If you have agreed to do the long distance relationship thing,better opt for an open relationship instead Of pretending. no need tapping behind his back.getting “caught” is not fun.it crushes the cheater and the cheated.what happened to fidelity anyway?
Avoid listening to what she said she knew about your boo and her friend.that’s gossip!it shows you’re not close to your significant other.its shameful when you tell the world you want to know more than what mr bf tells you.

 

Hey!don’t forget to wrap “it”up.sex is a responsibility on its own.You both are potential parents.If you must do it,don’t let emotions and 5minutes of pleasure(lol) shade your future.But like i’d always emphasise, if you are a virgin,stay virtuous.Its worth the wait. Dont let those decietful dudes take away your chastity.
When all is said and done,next time you want to get into a relationship,make sure you’re both on the same scale.loving is tough enough.and when its unequal,its downright painful.If you can’t love,then leave!

BEFORE ITS TOO LATE…

Hi my darlings.Its the last monday of the month.I hope you can all gladly say you spent July well. I must say this year has been rather too fast. Please does anyone know where  years past go to? However it went, id like to remind you that things can only get better from here.Keep being positive.

   Today i want us to discuss something  really important>>> Domestic violence and abuse in relationships. People are suffering and smiling all around the globe because they just cant muster the courage to get up and leave. They feel there is too much at stake and they stand to loose much if they leave.Worse still, the fear of the unknown wont let them budge. The relationship they find themselves in is the only way they know how to live their lives. I would like to dwell on abuse in relationships in a future  post. But for today, lemme share with y’all some poem i found. All id say is a word to the wise is sufficient. Pack up and go before its too late. We often regret the things we didnt do more than those we did…

I GOT FLOWERS TODAY
Dedicated to all battered women
By Paulette Kelly

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night. And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt.
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me.
It seemed like a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares to find they aren’t real.

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t Valentine’s Day or any other special day.
Make up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time.
I couldn’t go to work because I didn’t want anyone to know – but I know he’s sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.
Last night he beat me again, and it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him now, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him. But he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today…
Today was a very special day – It was the day of my funeral.
Last night he finally killed me – I was beaten to death.
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him.
The women’s shelter could have helped me, but I didn’t ask for their help.
So I got flowers today…for the last time.

msfati

Dear Readers, you know that over the moon, swelling head, big smile feeling you have when the day you have been waiting for has finally come. That’s how I felt. It wasn’t my wedding day before you start to think of that. While in school, I had buried myself in my books. My eyes carried “large Ghana must go bags” under them from sleepless nights of studying. I spent my leisure time reading novels and taking GRE practice questions. I found it very interesting and I had a partner that liked it too so we just sat together to ask each other questions and marvel at the new words we had just learnt. That was my form of hanging out. I had my first boyfriend in my fourth year in school. I met him in the library; he was a Masters student in University of Lagos and came to do…

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i can’t wait to die.

 “Yes i mean it doctor, and remember my wife mustn’t hear about it. Never!” I said between 

heart wrenching, rib cracking coughs. Everyday that passed, my now very pale skin reminded me how tired i was of this hospice. This is so not me. At 35, i looked like a  78year old man. I couldnot stand on my own feet and i needed help to do everything, every step of the the way, day after day.

    My hair had fallen off,and my eyes were blood shot. My once very fair hairy skin was ashen and wrinkled. What a shame. My beautiful princess, the pride of my life now looked like a woman in her mid forties, no thanks to me. At 32 she had lost 2 children, had to look after the only surviving one with chronic asthma, and i wasn’t making it any easier for her.

     The dreaded call came when she was pregnant for our third baby. I got a call from the hospital saying an emergency abortion had to be carried out because the foetus wouldn’t make it through the gestation. It was a girl. Her lungs had failed to develop or rather will be terribly deformed should she make it to birth.At 5months, she had to leave the world before she even saw it. I asked how that was possible even though the answer was in my pocket .White london  cigarette! that was how! My wife  had become a passive smoker, courtesy of my smoking a minimum of 15 cigarettes daily anywhere and everywhere unless i saw a “no smoking” sign. 

Our first born died from  Lower respiratory tract illness at fifteen months old. My wife Lizzy broke down and though she didnt admit it,she hated me. It was clear from the looks she gave me when i picked up my lighter.Yes i had killed our first fruit,i was sorry, but i was far from being different! I tried my best to smoke in her absence but soon returned to my old self when she became pregnant again (for our now only surviving child ). 7 months after Jason was born, he was diagnosed with bronchitis and  chronic middle ear disease all caused again by the sins of the father. My son will take more drugs daily than i had taken my entirely life.I was already too messed up to stop.     

I had been diagnosed with  severe lung disease and hid it from wifey. “Smoke from tobacco damages the airways in the lungs, making it difficult to breathe out carbon dioxide. Damage to the lungs caused by the chemicals in tobacco smoke can make a person feel short of breath.Carbon monoxide is forced into the blood, preventing the cells in the body’s tissues and organs from getting enough of the oxygen they need to function. Breathing in secondhand smoke can also cause lung disease” Said my Doctor.He had only been speaking    

for a minute, but i felt like he had just given me a life long speech. In my head,my life had ended. I decided what i was going to include in my will already. My heart went out to my beautiful wife. I hope she remarries a month after my burial in a bid to wash off the bliss-turned-chagrin i had offered throughout matrimony.  Passive smokers (those living among smokers who themselves do not smoke) are liable to lung cancer,aggravated respiratory conditions such as asthma and bronchitis and worst off,heart disease. I had given her worse than physical heart disease which she infact didnt contact.I was going to leave her a widow with heart ache,emotional turmoil  and a constant reminder of my selfishness which is our sick son she will have to cater to 24/7.

 

What began as a teenage indulgence became an adult addiction that caused me all i ever worked for. I chose the easy way out- signing the DNR( Do not Resuscitate)  order  meaning that i do not want to be resuscitated with CPR or other means should my breathing or heart stop . Call me coward, but i couldnot afford to continue putting my beautiful tender wife through the heart break of seeing me like this.Not after all the damage i had  already caused her in the last few years we had been married.

As a matter of fact,Exposure to environmental tobacco smoke (ETS) increases the risk of respiratory symptoms and lower respiratory tract illness in children, and it also increases the frequency and severity of asthma symptoms. There is evidence that parental smoking causes acute and chronic middle ear disease. Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is associated with exposure to ETS. The majority of children’s exposure to ETS takes place in the home.

The effects of passive smoking are not limited to benign ailments. Analysis of chemicals in the urine of women who live with smokers demonstrates that tobacco smoke carcinogens, are absorbed by non-smokers from second-hand smoke. Women who live with smokers absorb five to six times more chemicals linked to lung cancer than do women who live with non-smokers. The risk of wives developing lung cancer doubled when the husbands smoked over twenty cigarettes a day.


 

anger ,they say, is one letter away from danger…

Dandy & Cray

A Professor was teaching about Proverbs 15: 1. He asked his students, ‘why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’ The students thought for a while, One said, “because we lose our calm”. “But why shout when the other person is just next to you?” asked the professor. “Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you are angry?” The students gave some answers but none satisfied the Professor.
Finally he explained, “when two people are angry at each other, there is a distance in their hearts psychologically. To cover the distance, they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will shout to hear each other through that great distance”. Then the Professor asked, “What happens when two people…

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LETTER TO MY NEXT- THE REPLY

               BABY DOLL,

(can i call you that?) Where have you been all my life?! What took you so long

to reach out to me?(Yes,dear thats what you did). I have been so wealthy and so lonely

half  of my life. Yeah mum left when i was an infant and i inherited Dad’s multimillion business

empire when i barely knew what business meant. A lot of ladies have flocked in and out of my life.

I mean posh ones. They just never were able to keep my attention. Those who tried to suck me dry

developed blisters because the money is virtually inexhaustible. Dont get me wrong, im not blinded by

my riches,im just trying to tell you that with me,you got security. You love jewellry. That says a lot about

just how much financial security means to you.

Like a puzzle, you fit into my life already.Allow me a few minutes of fame to tell you why fit in my life. The bible i own now is the only treasure  i retrieved from my mother’s coffer. On the first page she had scribbled “map of life, dont go anywhere without it.” I have stuck to that.  I am very busy myself,and need someone to go home to after every successful day. Further more, i love challenges. So winning your heart from your current boyfriend is one adventure i am excited to embark on. So you see, baby girl, the odds are in my favour.

I love a lady that will be at “our” poolside, sipping champagne, in the hottest bikini ever made  when i return home. So as concerns being skimpy, please darling, be my guest.Rest assured, id inform you if im coming home with friends. i trade in diamond and gold.Your jewellery wish is my lightning speed command.

I guess this far, i should have bought my way into your good books. Now here’s what i want. A woman that will not take my jokes too

seriously. I love a lady that is not too afraid to rock the boat. Also,You dont need to give me the attitude when i forget to do what i promised. Im only human with more-than-my-brain-can-carry information going through my head. Please start dressing up 2hours prior to the time set for us to go out. I hate showing up late for anything. kindly delete the phrase “i told you!” that wouldnt make me listen to you any better next time.

Please dont nag if i get lost while driving. Id endeavour to get gps installed,by the way. You dont need to make me feel guilty when i withdraw sometimes, men need alone time to their thoughts,to sort things out. Dont feel left out.Sooner or later,when its sorted out,id still let you in on what went down. When i apologise to you, im truly sorry. You actually dont need to make me beg.

Genuinely tolerate me. Pamper me every so often; Im just a man( a boy with big muscles and big responsibilities).Id love to sense that you are happy i am home. Show it. Meet me at the door.  Share your negative feelings in a centered way without blaming,rejecting or being disapproving of me. At the end of the day, when i have loved and trusted you all you want, my ego is all i have left. Dont bruise it. Recognise my God-given Lordship over you; its the unspoken rule that im superior baby.  Finally when i marry you, stick to me. Delete the number of this guy you have bragged about so much. I dont believe that exes should be friends!Not  like that,and definitely not my wife’s.

When you are done reading this letter, just send me a one word reply saying “yes” and i will give you a million more reasons to be with me. This was just a reply to your letter. I actually have a surprise for you….