Archive | September 2012

WHEN 2 ELEPHANTS FIGHT…

 My darlings! its been a while!

Your girl’s been busy. Yeah i hate how that sounds too.

I cant believe i have not posted anything in September.

This beautiful saturday morning,id like to call your attention

to something thats been on my mind for a long long time. Id try to be as

impersonal as i can. The bone of contention is DIVORCE in all its ramifications.

Whether it be separation or fully signed dissolution of  matrimony.

Actually,id like to make it sequential, as id like to examine this topic from the

view point of all the parties involved. Tonight, lets start with the kids .

I titled this post from an African adage… the full proverb states that

“when two elephants fight,its the grass that suffers…” In simple English,relatively,

when a couple divorce,its the children that bear the brunt the most.

A lot of the times, the heart break of the couple is evident,especially that

of the woman, mainly because of our overly dramatic and expressive nature..

But the world isnt conscious of the struggles of  children from broken homes.

 The impact of divorce on children is huge.They feel emotional conflict; and the age of the CHILD is not

a limiting factor. Lets bear in mind that a child in this case is any individual from 0-18 years,but id like us to extend it to 21. Though even older kids could be affected,even if not as severely. In most cases, the much younger children who are a little confused as to what brought about the separation of their mummy and daddy feel it is their fault dad/mum left. They feel if they had eaten their lunch,or not thrown tantrums the other day, daddy wouldnot have gotten so upset,and mummy wouldnt have cried.

Moving on to the school age children,they are old enough to reason that they feel pain from their parents’ break up, but helpless in trying to deal with the pain.. They tend to experience grief, emotional instability, divided loyalty between their parents and usually anger.  They usually hope their parents will resolve things and get back together and all will be perfect again. Almost all the time,they resent the parent who left.

Adolescents feel embarrassment, anger, resentment ,depression. A lot of the times, they are catapulted into adulthood. They usually feel pressure to side with one parent more. Especially when their preferred parent has a loud mouth that always condemns and accuses the other.hmmmm. wrong right?  Sometimes ,later in life,they live with the trauma of “what if history repeats itself in my life”. In severe cases, they have the wrong mentality that dysfunctional relationships are genetic. Funny but true.

 

Though some children can be resilient, divorce generally takes away from a child emotionally and psychologically. Unless the marriage was full of violence and discord and disrespect,   most children dont want to see their parents part- ever. Most deal with it negatively. They become rebelious and rule breakers. They tend to withdraw  and resort to anger t0 express themselves. Even later in life,it re-shapens their perception of relationships. They are often on the look out to correct what their parents failed in. And sometimes,if their partner cannot really relate to what they are going through in some way,or dont understand them at all,it causes gaps.

You see, a lot of who we become stems from what we have been through.As parents, we have to be careful who we commit to and eventually marry and especially have children with. Every decision we take in life has ripple effects. A lot of people are connected to the decisions we take (which would have been taken independent of them,anyway). Now im not throwing guilt bumps at people who are divorced. Absolutely not. Shit happens. Things get out of control and even though the good book forbids it,separation becomes our best option.

i have never been married,but i know that a lot of marriages that crashed could have been worked on. Just a little more patience will have made a whole difference(except in cases of violence,of course). It is especially selfish when you eventually begin to try to win the child’s loyalty. You openly hate on the other parent and put the child in a difficult spot. They love you both,but expressing it openly would usually put them in trouble. Seriously,parent?! Was that child there when you started off with your love interest? Why do you suddenly make the child a jury? You burden them when you tell them just how offended and hurt you are by the person and how you were a better person in the relationship. As a matter of fact,thats none of the child’s business. You are only worsening their burden. Lets think seriously before getting married. I always say marriage is not a trophy. Flashing that ring doesnt guarantee its eternity. Stop, ponder,consider, reflect, weigh the options and be sure you are in it for the long haul – for the children’s sake. Its not just about you. Subsequently, we shall discuss how to help the grass deal with the elephants’ foot stamps.Until then, enjoy the rest of September, and decide wisely. Congrats to those who are about to tie the knot. You wouldnt have cause to part ways IJN. Good morning!

Lush loves you…