i can’t wait to die.


 “Yes i mean it doctor, and remember my wife mustn’t hear about it. Never!” I said between 

heart wrenching, rib cracking coughs. Everyday that passed, my now very pale skin reminded me how tired i was of this hospice. This is so not me. At 35, i looked like a  78year old man. I couldnot stand on my own feet and i needed help to do everything, every step of the the way, day after day.

    My hair had fallen off,and my eyes were blood shot. My once very fair hairy skin was ashen and wrinkled. What a shame. My beautiful princess, the pride of my life now looked like a woman in her mid forties, no thanks to me. At 32 she had lost 2 children, had to look after the only surviving one with chronic asthma, and i wasn’t making it any easier for her.

     The dreaded call came when she was pregnant for our third baby. I got a call from the hospital saying an emergency abortion had to be carried out because the foetus wouldn’t make it through the gestation. It was a girl. Her lungs had failed to develop or rather will be terribly deformed should she make it to birth.At 5months, she had to leave the world before she even saw it. I asked how that was possible even though the answer was in my pocket .White london  cigarette! that was how! My wife  had become a passive smoker, courtesy of my smoking a minimum of 15 cigarettes daily anywhere and everywhere unless i saw a “no smoking” sign. 

Our first born died from  Lower respiratory tract illness at fifteen months old. My wife Lizzy broke down and though she didnt admit it,she hated me. It was clear from the looks she gave me when i picked up my lighter.Yes i had killed our first fruit,i was sorry, but i was far from being different! I tried my best to smoke in her absence but soon returned to my old self when she became pregnant again (for our now only surviving child ). 7 months after Jason was born, he was diagnosed with bronchitis and  chronic middle ear disease all caused again by the sins of the father. My son will take more drugs daily than i had taken my entirely life.I was already too messed up to stop.     

I had been diagnosed with  severe lung disease and hid it from wifey. “Smoke from tobacco damages the airways in the lungs, making it difficult to breathe out carbon dioxide. Damage to the lungs caused by the chemicals in tobacco smoke can make a person feel short of breath.Carbon monoxide is forced into the blood, preventing the cells in the body’s tissues and organs from getting enough of the oxygen they need to function. Breathing in secondhand smoke can also cause lung disease” Said my Doctor.He had only been speaking    

for a minute, but i felt like he had just given me a life long speech. In my head,my life had ended. I decided what i was going to include in my will already. My heart went out to my beautiful wife. I hope she remarries a month after my burial in a bid to wash off the bliss-turned-chagrin i had offered throughout matrimony.  Passive smokers (those living among smokers who themselves do not smoke) are liable to lung cancer,aggravated respiratory conditions such as asthma and bronchitis and worst off,heart disease. I had given her worse than physical heart disease which she infact didnt contact.I was going to leave her a widow with heart ache,emotional turmoil  and a constant reminder of my selfishness which is our sick son she will have to cater to 24/7.

 

What began as a teenage indulgence became an adult addiction that caused me all i ever worked for. I chose the easy way out- signing the DNR( Do not Resuscitate)  order  meaning that i do not want to be resuscitated with CPR or other means should my breathing or heart stop . Call me coward, but i couldnot afford to continue putting my beautiful tender wife through the heart break of seeing me like this.Not after all the damage i had  already caused her in the last few years we had been married.

As a matter of fact,Exposure to environmental tobacco smoke (ETS) increases the risk of respiratory symptoms and lower respiratory tract illness in children, and it also increases the frequency and severity of asthma symptoms. There is evidence that parental smoking causes acute and chronic middle ear disease. Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is associated with exposure to ETS. The majority of children’s exposure to ETS takes place in the home.

The effects of passive smoking are not limited to benign ailments. Analysis of chemicals in the urine of women who live with smokers demonstrates that tobacco smoke carcinogens, are absorbed by non-smokers from second-hand smoke. Women who live with smokers absorb five to six times more chemicals linked to lung cancer than do women who live with non-smokers. The risk of wives developing lung cancer doubled when the husbands smoked over twenty cigarettes a day.


 

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