Archive | June 2012

ROOT CAUSES (In my opinion)

Hi world, its me again :-). Hope every one is in good health,shape and state of mind.Oh Lawd!im in good spirits this 20th day of June 2012. Been a while i have been this happy for no reason. Well there is a reason. The joy of the Lord is my strength!Amen!  Follow me down the thought lane this day,and remember to drop your comments.xoxo

      I remember a few years back, when i was in high school. It was a physics class and a classmate of mine(i cant remember who) looked sick. So our tutor took notice and asked her what the problem was. She said she had a head ache.Now Mr Ndifon in his typical sarcasm told her that headache is not a sickness; but an indicator of one. He gave her the option of going to the sickbay,or sitting up in well that stuck with me till date.Funny but true. headaches always herald the existance or approach of something more serious which if dealt with on time could prevent days and possibly weeks  of bed ridden misery. 

Today,id like to talk about root causes.I stand to be corrected, but many-a-times, the challenges we face and deal with often arent the problems we should be addressing  in the real sense.Something always gives rise to the major problems we face.There are always underlying causes. others deeply rooted that we need to dig to sort them out. Sometimes, the root cause is usually very serious.Other times,its just an accumulation of several little things that pile up and then  before we know it,our attitudes change.We become  a shadow of ourselves and the way back seems really distant.

Today im going to enumerate a few of problems or challenges we have .And then try to the best of my ability to unearth the root causes.

(A): JEALOUSY:  Please, why is jealousy associated with the colour green? Plants are green,yet they are not jealous or hateful.well i dont think so. I once heard that if you dont feel jealous in a relationship,then you realy do not love the one you are with. Really?Well here is my take on this: its healthy to be a little bit jealous(protective and suspiciously watchful) but when you begin to do it too much, and take everything personal,under the canopy of jealousy,then my dear there are several root causes. First, it could be insecurity. You are scared that that person or thing can easily be taken from you and you are powerless to prevent that. Contrarily, some people’s trust have been so abused in times past that they do not have the courage to invest that in anyone else.They have become cynical and we misquote them. Other times, people who exude jealousy are attention mongers. They may have been insignificant in their social circle,or growing up, and seek some validation. And when anyone but them gets that which they desire,they make a fuss. im positive if we can identify the roots of what stirs up jealousy in us,we can become more positive and better people.Jealousy is negative.It is weakness.Overcome it.


(B): BITTERNESS :It is dark, it is heavy, it is dreadful. It is everything you never wanna experience. It keeps you in a world of your own.No one will ever actually understand you.It makes you throw tantrums, it makes you lament, it makes you accuse makes you repel those you love and who love you because you become aggressive. You exude so much negative energy, that your loved ones only want to love you from afar.If not dealt with,you become a lonely person and die from depression.Thank God for grace.It sets us free from condemnation. You see, the root cause of bitterness is ANGER. either anger repressed, or grudges stored up.A lot of it stems from feeling cheated, minimised, offended,and many other reasons i cant call to mind at the moment. No wonder the bible says do not let the sun go down on your anger. Because the Big guy upstairs knows what it will lead to.Bitterness often stems from unforgiveness;nursing plans of vengeance. You see the cause of your anger and you realease destructive juices. It eats you up inside. funny enough,this bitterness consumes you only.It affects you more than it does your offenders! T.D jakes in his compilation of let it go  ( addresses this better. Let me borrow his words:  “Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.LET IT GO”

(c): WAYWARDNESS : Yes this word is broad but today i want to dwell on girls exchanging sex for money.Isnt that wayward? Yes the oldest profession is! But there are exceptions,where its not by choice,but a product of circumstances. Im not playing the devil’s advoate,so dont give me that look.Just hear me out. One of the things that may lead a girl to prostitution is negligence. Check out  the girls you know,who are from solid homes. well trained,provided for, shown love.Will you see them under streetlights near hotels at night?  Abuse also contributes to this. A girl who is sexually abused at a tender age (and most victims wont tell because of death threats) grows up to be a sexual beast. Most times,they even give it out for free.lool .They are popularly called cheerful givers. Another cause is poverty.The rate of this in africa is extremely high.Even when you dont practice it on the street,you do it in corporate places. You qualify for employment,and you are told nothing goes for nothing.Even though some are lucky to escape that, when they eventually get the job, “oga’ will frustrate you into voluntary exit from the organisation if you refuse to satisfy his nasty urges. I once heard the term corporate prostitutes. In case you dont know who these are,they are female marketers! yes some of them do sleep with potential customers to bring in business for the companyh.  Aaaaah sad,yeah i know. These few are victims of circumstances.They could do the right thing,but they chose the easy way out.Can you blame them entirely? 

 So my dear reader,next time you think you have the right to judge someone, or you think your reaction or behaviour is justified,stop for a minute and try to examine the root causes.Life is hard . Be kind;to yourself and to others. Before you throw a rude comment at someone, take note that they may be going through something worse than what you see,sense or smell.



This reached the core of my heart and made me think.Made me reconsider.Made me draw some conclusions.Id try to be a better daughter

Sonalism- It's different


Call him FATHER or DAD or DADDY or PA or POPS or your OLD MAN… But never call him a DEVIL!!!

Recently, I read a Marathi essay on the topic “Father”… It brought tears to my eyes. I had never read something so beautiful yet so obvious before. The essay is what inspired this post.

We have always heard of “mother” being the most influential character in a person’s life but rarely do we attach an emotional importance with a father.

How often do we forget that our father is just as important in our life as our mother?

We come across countless quotes, poems, articles, odes, tributes, written for a mother. But when it comes to writing something for a father, the words always fall a little short.

While we do celebrate “Father’s day” with a lot of enthusiasm, we always envision a father being  a persona of support…

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She said she was pregnant,you asked her who was responsible,though you know it was you only.

She couldnt register for nor attend ante-natal classes because you didnt value her health and well-being.

She started shopping for the baby at the 8th month of gestation and you thought you had even been too generous.

She was in labour, you were in town, and you didnt pace restlessly in the hospital.

Your phone rang, they said it was a bouncing baby girl and you didnt take the next flight back even though you very well could.

 The very first time you carried the child,you were shamed because it touched your heart.You

had indeed brought forth a whole human being. More to that,the infant was a mirror image of you.

You didnt want to make her a wife,yet you made her a mother.

Your correspondence with other women intensified by the day and she couldnt take it. She called off the relationship.

You didnt stay awake in the middle of the night when your baby was sick.

You didnot for once make any attempt to change diapers, or help with the feeding bottle.

 You told her if she wanted you to provide for YOUR child’s needs,then she had to give up custody of the kid.

The child will live with your mother while you gallivant with girls in town.She could not afford that, she said she’d raise him

solo if you wouldnt lend a hand.

You thought “good riddance! now im free!” little did you know what you had just done.

Now you wish you werent a lonely old man.You blame youthful exuberance but guess what? Its too late.

Its too late to apologise. Too late to undo the damage.No doubt,you are a father .It takes 5 minutes,a little ejaculation,and  minute sperm generousity

to become one. But it takes a life time,so much selflessness, all the care you can offer, all the loving discipline you can dish out, all the support and reassurance you sometimes arent convinced about, and then so much more to be a dad.

Its the confidence you taught them, the trust they have in you, the calm peace they have and feeling of protection in your presence.Its the security they feel that “daddy is gonna handle it”, the fear of “i cant let him down, he will be disappointed” the courage your smile gives them, the strength your voice bestows, that child like belief in your ability to see them through.Yes,its all these that make you a DAD.

  You failed them if you didnt part take in their lives.if you didnt calm their fears and occassionally fool them just to make them failed them if they dont have fond memories of you. If you didnt tell them words of wisdom that stuck with them their whole life. If they are silent when others talk about their dads. If you blamed them for stuff you should have taken responsibility about. You failed them if at some point you turned your back on them.Worse still, you failed them if you sentenced them to the pit toilets and didnt give them the oportunity to see the light of day.

 ON that note,i’d rather say happy DADDY’s day,not father’s day!



 SO you think you are the baddest girl alive.You know he is taken,yet you want him as much.You even try hard to prove to him that you are better than her. Okay lets assume you are the ”no commitment” type. You are with him just for the benefits. No doubt.some days,he acts like he is actually into you.He asks you to stay just a little longer. He calls you just a little more often. He tells you nice things and buys you nice gifts. You see, in as much as you ”please his senses”, he’s got history with her which he honours. Unlike the myth that guys are scared of commitment,a good percentage of them actually are loyal to the bonds they have formed with their significant other. And stray as they may,they protect those ties and dont want it broken on their account.

  Before long,you realise that your nonchalance is gone and it actually hurts to see him hold her hand, or stare into her eyes. You become more fragile and vulnerable. It stings to hear her name.the sight of him annoys you as much as you want to have him.You see,my dear, a relationship is between two people who are exclusive with each other. Three is a crowd. Therefore, if you are not bitchy enough to use your feminine wiles to ”obtain” him from her absolutely, do yourself a favour and take a bow. After all is said and done,he is just another guy.He wouldnt mind eating his cake and having it and like manna from heaven,you came in handy, you fanned his ego and fed his libido. Wise up girl! Too bad,woman folk was wired to be unnecessarily emotional. You came in as conqueror,now you have been conquered. Its time to let go,but sadly you love him…..hisssssssssss!!!


  His name begins with the letter “O”. And for everytime i look at him,i say Oh my God. i can hardly believe he is mine. He is tall. He is handsome. He calls me baby. He’s got class. He’s got taste. He aims high. He cares about me.He cares for me. He tells me goodmorning and goodnight 7days a week. He flaunts me amidst his friends. He isnt afraid to say he loves me in public.  He calls my mum,and wants to be friends with my siblings.He is true to me, and he protects me.

Yet he is over possessive. Everything i do feeds his skepticism. Everything i say has a second meaning in his mind. His ego is so huge,its consuming me. He also got a temper that sparks like damp firewood. His words are so sharp they cut right through my lungs. Im always out of breath when he is angry. I get confused most of the times we have a tiff and i wonder if the english i speak sounds like greek.

My emotional switch has refused to flip to ”off”. Because he is always there for me.Despite all he does, i cant get over him. i say i want out very inaudibly,so that i can easily bail out of another tantrum.I know he loves me, but his expression of love is so contrary to mine. He feels he is loving me, but he is hurting me beyond reason. I wish he could learn to speak my primary love language.

I normally am not tolerant to this kind of treatment,but i love him too much to leave him….i know he can change.At least he doesnt hit me.*sigh*



He isnt spectacular,but he is handsome.

His nails are well groomed and his hair neatly shaven.

His shirts are crisp and you can literally see your reflection on his shiny shoes.

His suits are tailored to fit and the smell of his perfume confuses my nerves.

On weekends, when he rolls his sleeves,he looks impeccable.

His designer sunshades accentuate his beautiful nose.

His muscles are well toned. Dear me,what a tidy fella.

  He lives three blocks away from me and i see him every blessed day.

Most times he doesnt notice me,but not a day passes and i dont look out for his entry or exit.

Yes i have monitored him so much,i can tell when he is leaving for or returning from work.

I cant describe my joy the day he exchanged pleasantries with me.Oh my he  has a space between his incisors.

And he is jovial too. The sultry tone in his voice… His accent… he is very refined. Gosh im beginning to dream about him.

Two more encounters and i had him on bbm. I had to try so hard not to tell him good morning daily.

please dont blame me,who doesnt like good things?

We became friends and he was easy going .Very civil too. He thought i was interesting and funny.

Over time, when he got back from work,he will call me and say “im around,come and say hi”

Funny enough he never asked me if i was single or married.I wasnt gonna be pompous,so i didnt either.

Then one day his blackberry status said” cant wait for her to get here”.

My heart beat tripled.I was too scared to hear the truth if i will be disadvantaged by it.

I didnt ask.In short,i was so jealous i didnt ping him for the rest of the week.

And to think his statuses kept referring to her!

Exactly ten days later (yes i was counting) on his return that evening, ”she”  alights from his car.

He does same,comes around to her side,lifts her,and mehhhhn! all that PDA is what he used to do in my dreams!

Well, he didnt leave the house that week end and i didnt ping him.

On monday,he called me and said he had a contract for me.

Ok. So im going to plan his wedding.How lovelorn can i have been?

I dont hate her. I just dislike her. Cos she is having all i wanted. But id still give her the perfect ceremony.

Because ,i love him.I love him,and she got him. **sigh**



I am the middle child in a family of 5 chidren.Junior sister to two boys and senior to 2 girls

My name is Lara,and i am single at 33,against my wish. i graduated with a 1st class degree in  business administration from a federal University.2years down the road,i got my masters degree in human resource management from a reputable institution in the UK. While in  the UK,i applied online for a job in one of the high brow banks in Nigeria. I was immediately offered employment due to my brilliant results. I came to Nigeria well settled. A chauffeur driven Prado,a well furnished catered-to house in Lekki,an obesed salary and life insurance. Are you still in doubt?Life felt good.I was exactly where i wanted to be at that point of my life. I was obsessed with the idea of performing well in order to get me up the hierarchy of the top managers sooner than later,that i made little or no time to socialise.thank God i managed to make it to church some Sundays.

At 25, I managed to bribe my mother out of pressuring me to marry whenever she saw me in the bridal train of my friends,or when we attended a relative or family friend’s wedding.i had the money to throw around,so id buy her a gift, smile and say “mum, dont worry,id outshine them all.Just let me be settled.You know at this point,my job is so demanding.i wouldnt have time for kids and all. she’d frown and succomb”

 3years down the road came my epiphany. Timi,my 18 months’ boyfriend showed up at my office .Said he came to tell me he had had enough. He couldnt take anymore of my unavailabilty.He sited that it was 7pm and i was still at work. I often stood him up on dates, i am insensitive to his needs, and i do not value the gifts he offers me,because i feel i can get myself better stuff. Woaaah! i was oblivious of all these accusations.But for my beautiful crystal wall clock i had purchased from Dubai last september during a business trip which read 7:45 pm, i would have argued that too. Well,what have i to lose,i thought.i mingle with the high and mighty and could get me a better suitor than this little millionaire making mockery of my achievements.i am beautiful and appealing,i wouldnt dignify this young man by begging him… ” i thought you understand,Timi….” i began to stutter then i stopped almost abruptly and said “wait a minute,what happened to your phone? Did u really have to come all the way here,5 floors up to vomit this rubbish?couldnt you call me?” i snapped. He smiled as if to say good riddance and strolled out of my office without a word. i slumped in my comfortable leather chair.What had just happened? I was a hardened spinster once again.Oh my God,my mum will deafen me, i thought.


Dont be silly,of course yes,i cried him an ocean-the pacific to be precise.My good friend Anita asked me to get back into the dating-o-sphere.She made it a point of duty to drag me with her to social functions.Comedy shows, musical concerts,and all types of parties.She will come to my office at the close of day and tell me the newest restaurant,lounge or hotel in town we will be visiting for the night. Yes there were many elligible bachelors everywhere i went.Cute, rich, polished. They would throw admiring glances my way,but it seemed there was an invisible body guard around me warding them off. I didnt seem to understand .This happened for Over a year . Those who were courageous enough to come close never seemed to call back after a date.

 My wake up call came not long after that.When Bola our last born called my phone ecstatically.There was so much noise in the background.I heard her say “i said yes!!!!!” huh? Yes to what Bola,i asked,confused. “Chris proposed” she screamed and before i could return from my reverie to congratulate my favourite sibling,she had hung up in excitement. On her wedding day,i was as excited outside as i was torn apart inside. During the reception, my mum trailed me to the ladies,where she met me trying to touch up my make up,ruined by tears. She smiled a knowing smile and said “i have the answer”. I frowned.Not again,mum. She blocked me and said “listen to me for once.just  listen and dont interrupt. Look in the mirror. your watch is rolex. Your shoes are louboutin. You smell of limited edition D&G. you have 22karat jewelry on.Your handbag is customised Louis Vuitton.You car doesnt use a key. Your office is on the 5th floor and the protocol to get up there is enough to discourage anyone from visiting you. she sighed and breathed in.Just your appearance is scaring potential suitors away.You look extremely high maintainance.You seem too made and over independent that men would feel you cant listen to them,talk less of submit to them in matrimony. You dont go out and when you do,you stick to the VIP zone.There, most of the people you relate with are the self made established bigger boys ,most of whom are already settled. Lara, Lara,Lara! cut down.Tone it down,my baby girl.” Oh no,i ruined the make up even worse this time. “I have gone too far down this road to turn back now,mum. How do i start?i dont even know how to do things another way…” i sobbed. She held me close and said id be alright.

That same moment,my phone vibrated.It was a message from the my company.I had been made  manager of a branch of our bank in Amsterdam.And i was to resume office in a fortnight.Yes i hissed.This achievements,after all were the primary cause of my plight.Blessing or curse? i breathed out loud… If you were in my shoes, what will you do concerning this promotion?My name is Lara,and i am single at 33,against my wish.